So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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