Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
