Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
