Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
