Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
