Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
FUCK WHALES
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