Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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