3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
