In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
