Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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