well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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