The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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