I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
