rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
