The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
