there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
