I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The air taste purple.
Randomize
