apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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