your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
