When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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