Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
