Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
