You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
