I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
