does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
