can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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