i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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