I faked an abortion last night.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
