i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
