His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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