i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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