I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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