Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize