Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
