he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
