How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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