I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
