Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
