I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
