I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
