I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Randomize
