Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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