I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
