The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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