He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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