I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How naked do you want me to be?
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