The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
