Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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