so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize