We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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