I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
