If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
