We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
