Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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