I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
