Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
