I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
