the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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