I accidentally had phone sex last night
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
