I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
